I'm currently in a graduate program and it's requiring so much of my time and energy. I did expect it, since this is what I want to do with the rest of my life, but, at the same time, I'm overwhelmed with the amount of work. Projects, assignments, essays and the like are all piling up and the end of the quarter is only a few weeks away. I also have a part-time job and I mention that to say I have more than just school concerns.
The past few weeks have not been kind. I wasn't sleeping well. I felt distracted and easily frustrated. In turn, I didn't eat as well as I should have, snacking on sugary foods and things that were less wholesome and more empty-calorie-focused. It felt like everything was spinning out of control.
And I guess that's where this post comes in.
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| We are every part of ourselves, down to the shadows at our feet. |
I was losing control of all the things going on in my life and it was causing me distress.
Last week, I just had enough. I was tired and completely depleted of energy. I didn't want to think about school or all of the obligations that I couldn't figure out how to fulfill. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep so that I could escape all of the pressures hounding me.
Except sleep still wasn't coming easy and I lay there stewing through my negative thoughts. One of my frustrations was that I hadn't been writing. I hadn't picked up a pen, looked through my ideas or typed out a sentence in weeks and I couldn't help feeling like a failure. I kept pushing writing away because of my other concerns and because I felt guilty to indulge in it when I had other things to worry about. Writing also felt like it would be stressful, because it would be adding something else onto my already fragile plate.
However, this night I was just so tired of not doing it that I gave in. I couldn't sleep anyway so why couldn't I distract myself with my own stories and characters?
To update on my writing life, I've been struggling with editing a manuscript and the changes felt monumental and insurmountable. Every time I even considered what I had to do, I'd feel frozen and helpless. I wanted to finish this project and clean it up so that I could send it to my publishers, but I kept feeling like I wasn't enough. So I put it off.
Until this night, that is.
I let myself think through the story. I dreamed and imagined and it began to play out. I knew what the issues were. I'd read the comments and critiques a hundred times cementing them into my memory. They'd become so ingrained in my conscious thought that it was hard to see past them. But this is my story and I wanted it to improve, so I gave it another chance and things started to make sense.
There's something about playing with ideas and letting your mind wander that is conducive for creative thought. Solutions that weren't even on the horizon appear and all of the puzzle pieces begin to fit together. I started to see the forest for the trees and vice versa.
One of my issues had to do with the ending. It wasn't wrapped up neatly. There were still questions. Readers could still argue that things were unresolved. Resolution is important, but not always necessary. Still I couldn't help my own nagging feelings that it felt unfinished and wasn't the best way that it could end. There had to be something, but I just didn't feel smart enough to figure it out.
This mind wandering diversion from sleep cleared it up though. I needed a distraction, a ploy that would look real and yet would hide the truth, and that's when it became clear. Details from earlier on and later collided and I realized that with a few changes, I could create a Romeo & Juliet type ending that still came out with its own meaning and merit. Tragic, but hopeful.
I spent half the night going from laying down to scribbling notes about these new ideas, but it was worth it. I felt calmer, more settled and less stressed than I'd felt in days. Following my heart and my passion really was a saving grace for my mental health.
Writing is something that I have control over and being reminded of my own ability to problem solve helped me to work out the other situations in my life that were spiraling out of control.
I don't know if it will work for others, but it might and so that's my post for today. Following your heart may help you succeed in ways that you don't realize, because it's all connected. Our lives are interrelated parts that are held together through tension. We can't let one go without having it backfire and negatively affect another aspect of ourselves.
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