Blowing Up and Breaking Down

 Emotional Reactivity: feeling out of control and sensitive to stimuli.

We all have times where we're not feeling great and maybe the world feels like too much. At this point, we might "blow up" or breakdown over the little things. Something that felt fine or only slightly bothered us on a good day can become the trigger for feeling as if our lives are coming apart. It's not difficult to see why we might explode with anger or dissolve into sadness.

Life is full of stress and we can't always push through it. However, addressing this can be difficult with the feelings of shame or vulnerability plaguing our thoughts. 

It's sometimes easier to view this in literature than to observe it in our own lives, and it can also feel very relatable and safe to read about someone going through an emotional period than to experience it ourselves. 

I'm going to pull from a few of my favorite books to illustrate the process of blowing up and breaking down. Comment below with your own experiences or books that you've read demonstrating this.

Henry H. Neff's The Hound of Rowan - Max yelling at his father after being forced to stay over the winter holiday.

Excerpt: "Dad, I'm not coming home!" snapped Max, his frustration and guilt boiling over."

"She's dead, Dad!" Max screamed. "Stop putting up her stocking! Stop putting lipsticks and chocolates and jewelry in that stupid stocking! Mom is DEAD!"

Max is dealing with stress from being homesick. He has also endured years of grief with his father, but while his father has hope for his mother to return, Max has confronted a different reality where she is gone for good. In the past, these different viewpoints probably didn't clash. While Max may have had thoughts about his father acting as if his mother will return, it seems clear that he hadn't addressed his frustration until this point. His stress has made this small act of hope into something he can wield against his father in this emotional blowing up moment.

Now we all say things we don't mean and likely regret afterward. Part of emotional reactivity is reaching the point where the usual checks: empathy and consideration for others, has lost its value. Max is feeling a storm of hurt and frustration which he tries to manage until this part of the dialogue where he can't keep it in. He doesn't want to stay away from his father, but the school has decided for his safety that he must. His father presses against this, unwilling to accept that his son may have a good reason, and adds to the stress Max is feeling. Others can unintentionally make our reactivity worse. Instead of being a comfort, they add pressure to the situation and if we aren't able to communicate what we need or get some space from them - relationships can be damaged.

Naomi Novik's A Deadly Education - El when she thinks everyone has deserted her in the cafeteria.

Excerpt: "...and people don't like me enough to help me even if I scream. So I don't bother to scream, but right then in the lunchroom I wanted to stand up on the table and scream at all of them the way I screamed at those bastards in the commune; I wanted to tell all of them I hated them and I'd set them all on fire gladly for five minutes of peace, and why shouldn't I, since they'd all stand by and watch me burn instead."

Sometimes our thoughts get ahead of what's happening. If we've had multiple bad experiences where people have broken our trust, (see all of El's backstory: her father's family, those in the commune, the other students), then we're not going to feel charitable toward others and we can end up with a mindset where it's us vs the world.

However, this is often a cognitive distortion (irrational thoughts which can perpetuate anxiety or depression) and can harm us more because we don't see any other paths in our story. For El, she's dealing with mind reading which is when we start interpreting others thoughts and behaviors without evidence. She sits down and everyone else is sitting at other tables or not looking her way. She's actually used to this, so it's not completely irrational for her to make the conclusion that some of the people who sat at the table during previous meals were doing so to get something from her. However, El overgeneralizes and thinks that every single person must think this way.

This is a silent blowing up/breakdown, but just as important to recognize. When we start to spiral into our thoughts, we increase our likelihood to feel worse and completely hopeless. Then we might disqualify the positives (another cognitive distortion) which means what you think: we don't accept the good things happening and only focus on the hurtful ones. Not great at all.

Sarah J. Maas's A Court of Mist and Fury - Feyre breaking down after Tamlin locked her in the house.

Excerpts: "I barely heard him over the roar in my ears."

"I stopped seeing the marble floor, or the paintings on the walls, or the sweeping staircase looming behind me. I stopped hearing the chirping of the spring birds, or the sighing of the breeze through the curtains. And then crushing black pounded down and rose up from beneath, devouring and roaring and shredding. It was all I could do to keep from screaming, to keep from shattering into ten thousand pieces as I sank onto the marble floor...”

At this point, Feyre experiences disassociation (disconnection from yourself and the world around you) and we'd classify this as a breakdown. She's lost hope and doesn't feel heard, so she retreats into herself. If you know the story, then Feyre has experienced multiple traumas and now struggles with the pressure of who everyone wants her to be. Her stressors have only multiplied from the first book and I find that the depth to Maas's storytelling is in the emotional realities of the characters. These aren't easy things to deal with and a victory isn't always what we think it is.

Feyre has come close to break several times in the beginning of ACOMAF and just manages to stifle her feelings. She denies her inner experience and this leads to the accumulating stress. Anytime we deny our emotions or someone else does, we create a division within ourselves and a breakdown of our self-worth. We're basically telling ourselves that what we feel isn't important and so we're not important.

Feyre's emotional reactivity keeps increasing - if she was at a 4 on a scale of (1-10, 1 = non-reactive and 10 = highly reactive), then by the time we get to this point, she's probably around an 8 or 9. The addition of stressors with no relief allows for this to continue to the point where she dissociates and her power manifests as the swirling darkness.

Patrick Rothfuss's The Name of the Wind - When Kvothe's instrument is broken and he calls the wind only to be left hollow.

Excerpt: "I opened my mouth to howl, to cry, to curse him. But something other tore from my throat, a word I did not know and could not remember."

"My mind was a whirl of confusion and half-formed questions...All around me there was a great numbness, as if I were sealed in wax ten inches thick. There was no Kvothe, only the confusion, the anger, and the numbness wrapping them."

First, Kvothe experiences an emotional blow-up which takes the form of the wind. He has reached a point of detachment from self and similar to Feyre, he reaches dissociation. We can probably assume that it becomes a combination of depersonalization and derealization. First, he dissociates from who he is as a person and loses his sense of self. Second, he is aware of his surroundings but feels separate from them. The numbness and comparison of wax around him really illustrates how far removed he is and how difficult it is for him to interact with others. He is literally in a different state of mental being and can't connect. 

This separation again comes from the amount of stress and in this case, grief. 

Grief is normal and a valuable process for our minds to experience. We can't rush it, so Kvothe's grief itself isn't the problem, but how it takes him away from his self and from others is. When we get to a state where we can't be reached, then we're unable to cope or care for ourselves. We've lost our independence of functioning and that's usually when we strongly need support. Family, friends or mental health services become vital to keep us from going it alone. We're always stronger together.

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What did you think of these characters and their emotional reactivity?  Have you had similar experiences? Comment below with your thoughts!

As a final note, none of these are "bad" or "negative", they're natural. But a blow up or breakdown is a signal to ourselves that something isn't working, so we need to respond in appropriate ways to manage. We can even learn to reduce stressors and lower our emotional reactivity if it's not serving us. Show compassion to yourself by seeking help when you need it and stepping away from unhealthy things.

Next time, I plan to explore the aftermath of these experiences and explore how we can support ourselves and others as we go through tough emotions. See you then!